My Skin
by Mimi-dudette
Summary: My first SongFic to 'My skin' by Natalie Merchant. Haunted by memories and lost in grief, Tobias morphs human for the very last time as he says good bye to Rachel. "I'm the slow dying flower, In the frost killing hour, Sweet turning sour and untouchable..


**My first ever SongFic to the song 'My Skin' By Natalie Merchant - I loveths that song :P Neh, I don't really like this fic tho. I'm not sure if I really made it effective enough and It's been done before. Grr. But yeah, I wanted to try different genres and this is my attempt at the angst genre. Hope you like it! **

**I'm not expecting that much from this fic but it'll be fabaroony if you could tell me how I did on the whole songfic, angsty thing. :P If you want to listen to the song while reading, heres a link: **

www . youtube . c om/ watch? v=J4qMU mWA20A **(Minus the spaces XD)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the song or Animorphs. Honest.

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My name is Tobias.

And I was preparing to lose myself.

See, I've found that fate has a sick way of knowing your weaknesses; it shoots you on top of the world one second, then it tears you apart the next. Just when you finally think that you can be finally blissfully happy, it finds that one thing that pulls you under, deeper than you've ever been. It compensates every second of happiness for another tragedy.

That's what happened to me. That's what has_ always _happened to me.

I've no longer got a duty to serve, no world to save. The love I've been desperately hanging onto died before me and left an endless ocean for me to fight against. Life hurts too much. I'm giving up on it. I'm losing my humanity and sinking into the shadows, where I'll wait patiently for nature to do with me what it will.

One last look through human eyes and I'll be out of the world's way for good.

One last chance to cry and I'll disappear forever, frozen in time.

One last time to be with Rachel and it'll be as though I never existed.

_Take a look at my body  
Look at my hands  
There's so much here that I don't understand  
Your face say these promises  
Whispered like prayers  
I don't need them  
Because I've been treated so wrong  
I've been treated so long  
As if I'm becoming untouchable…_

I was a mile up in the air, swooping through the thermals. It was late evening, and a red and orange glow bathed the world and brought everything into a soft relief.

I suppose it was beautiful. I suppose it was romantic.

I concentrated on the sunset borderline, feeling sick.

I could feel the memories rising up against me, leering at me, always creeping on the edges of my consciousness. How could I live, how could I move on when my mind replayed images of her to me again and again? They were unstoppable, always finding a way into my mind's eye; it was stupid to even resist them.

Stupid to resist…the feeling of loneliness that overwhelmed me the moment the memory was over.

_Rachel held me tight letting me all but sob as I buried my face in her golden hair. _

"_Bad." She murmured._

"_Yeah," I whispered, my voice breaking. "Really bad. I came close to, you know. Awfully close. I was so…I mean, I didn't…I…" I took a couple of shaky breaths. Rachel's hold never faltered as I struggled to find the right words. "I lost myself. Didn't know who I was. Not sure I do now."_

"_Tobias…" She said quietly, "I know who you are."_

_For what seemed like a long, long while, neither of us spoke. Neither of us moved. _

_Then, Rachel moved back a bit so she could look into my eyes, a traditional devil-may-care grin spread across her face. "Hey, it's nice and warm. Bet there're some killer thermals."_

_I smiled. That's my Rachel. "Lets fly."_

"_Yeah," she agreed. Then she paused, her grin turning softer. "Right after I do this."_

_Suddenly she was closing the distance between us; suddenly so close that I could count each one of her eyelashes even with these lame human eyes. My breath caught as the distance disappeared and she kissed me. Hesitant at first, until we both relaxed into it, our lips pressed together. Everything was abruptly forgotten. _

_Our fist kiss. Tender, caring…perfect…_

Oh, what I wouldn't give…

I had to stop.

I had to stop remembering her, thinking about every amazing detail of her being.

Rachel was gone. Rachel was dead and gone.

And it was destroying me.

It was destroying me from the inside out.

It was like Taylor all over again. I couldn't stop the memories coming, even though each one tortured me and pulled me under even deeper. A reluctant feeling of guilt washed over me and I cringed, knowing exactly why my subconscious refused to stop dishing out times of joy that I would never see again.

Even though each remembrance was a fresh blade though my very soul…even though I hated myself for even admitting it…my subconscious knew that…these memories were all I lived for.

They were all I had.

The only time I was now at peace, was when I was lost deep in a time already lost; though the moment it was over and I was slapped back into reality, I felt more hurt than ever before. I needed those bitter-sweet memories. I was worse than depressed. I was addicted.

_Well content loves the silence  
It thrives in the dark  
With fine winding tendrils  
That strangle the heart  
They say that promises sweeten the blow  
But I don't need them, no…_

I couldn't live without remembering the sight of Rachel's beautiful face, the feel of her silky hair, the taste of her lips…I was pathetic, an addict going through the motions, waiting for his next hit. Living in the past, desperately holding onto images that destroyed my emotions.

I had given Rachel my entire being. When she died, she had taken it all with her. I was left with nothing.

Nothing but nothing but nothing.

No, that was wrong. I still had my memories. They were now my everything; the thing that sweetened my air and fueled my movements. They were both the things that held me to reality and the things I was trying to run away from.

It was insanity.

_I've been treated so wrong  
I've been treated so long  
As if I'm becoming untouchable  
I'm the slow dying flower  
In the frost killing hour  
Sweet turning sour and untouchable…_

I tightened my talons around the delicate flower I was carrying; it was a rose. I had given Rachel a red rose before, on Valentine's morning; the height of fluffy cliché, I know.

She had liked it then. It had been clasped to her heart while she kissed the top of my feathered head, laughing. I hoped she would like it now, though even I knew it would seem plain compared to the luxurious bouquets that had been laid out for her; some by people who only knew her by name or face or not at all, over-doing any emotions they felt for the cameras.

I started to worry.

Maybe I should have picked something different? Something brighter? Or I could have found the most expensive bouquet out there, and gone totally out of my way to find a way to carry it here. I hoped she wouldn't mind. I hoped she would like it.

It took me a few moments to remember that it didn't matter whether she liked it or not. Rachel was gone. Nothing mattered.

I might have turned back then, but suddenly I saw my destination.

The graveyard.

Empty, apart from the flowers that overflowed at each grave.

"_Hey you." Rachel smiled, opening her window for me. Her eyes were warm with affection._

Ready for some fun?

"_You know it, Soaring Hawk." _

I flattened into a dive, heading for the small orchard on the fringe of the site. I could hardly feel the air rushing past me and I noticed which grave I would be heading to.

_Oh, I need the darkness  
The sweetness  
The sadness  
The weakness…_

I flew straight through the trees, not bothering to perch, and tumbled onto the ground. I wanted the pain; I wanted it to wake me from the tsunami of emotions that crashed upon me now I was so close to where her memory was officially cast in stone.

_I wrapped my arms around Rachel's waist and she laid her head on my chest, totally at ease as we stole a few moments away from the Hork-Bajir valley. We didn't say anything because suddenly, nothing mattered._

_We were together._

I began to morph human, shivers of mourning and pain shivering over me, the rose laid beside me. My emotions were on an unbearable roller-coaster.

_Oh, I need this  
I need a lullaby  
A kiss good night  
Angel sweet love of my life  
Oh, I need this…_

I was on all-fours, taking huge gulps of air as I choked back tears.

TOBIAS! _Rachel screamed. She threw dead Hork-Bajir out of her way, trying to find me. _Has anyone seen him? Where's Tobias_?!_

_I tried desperately to open my eyes, trying to call back…_

I bit my lip until I tasted blood, trying in vain to calm myself.

God, what was wrong with me?

Why couldn't I just lay down my rose and walk away, living out my life as an un-tortured human?

Why won't her face ever leave my mind, forcing me to hide my shattering grief behind my hawk?

"_I love you, Rachel." I burst out. Holding her tighter, I bit my lip, trying to find a way of expressing how special she was to me. "I love you…so much…"_

_There was a pause, and then she twisted in my arms, staring into my eyes. For a horrible second, I thought she was going to push me away and turn up her nose in disgust._

_But she didn't._

"_I love you too." She smiled, as though it was the simplest thing in the world. _

_Maybe it was._

_But to me, it was the most meaningful moment in my life, leaving me smiling back at her in blissful wonder. I had never been…loved before. Never had someone who even wanted my love. But now…_

That was the only time I had ever told her. Rachel died the next day, before my eyes. It was so…cruel.

I loved her so much.

Not that that really mattered anymore.

I took a deep breath and one final shudder shook my frame. Finally, I got up awkwardly and stretched, the flower firmly in my hand. I shuffled out of the cover of the young trees, walking straight into the pinkish evening light, and surveyed the area with cautious eyes.

It was cared-for and privet, reserved for those who had died in the unknown war. The public were allowed here only at 'opening hours', but certain people could come and grieve as they pleased; people like the Animorphs and close friends and family. It was a place for them to mourn and not be pestered by the press and people who wanted attention and was only mourning a name.

…Tom was here too. I glanced once at his elegant grave as I passed, and a strange feeling knotted my stomach. I decided that it must because I never knew Tom; it's hard to grieve for someone you never really knew.

Yeah, that must be it.

_I'm the slow dying flower  
In the frost killing hour  
Sweet turning sour and untouchable…_

Rachel's grave wasn't far off and I concentrated on it, leaving Tom's behind me; Rachel's was bigger than the others, more beautiful, and it was literally over-flowing with flowers for the world's savior. It caught your eye and effortlessly grabbed your attention. No change there.

Maybe it was because this was the last time I ever planned to be human and but, as I made my way slowly through the evening, I seemed to notice my human body a lot more. The way my arms hung uselessly and awkwardly at my side. The way my heart was pounding so hard it hurt. The way fat tears slowly dripped from my face.

I nudged a few bouquets away and found myself right in front of the statue. I couldn't seem to be able to breathe properly. My head span as I struggled to see her name.

It didn't seem real…because she couldn't be dead. She couldn't be! She was Rachel. She didn't die.

I could feel a memory surfacing and I clawed at it, desperate for the light it would bring, albeit I would feel like death after. I wanted to live in my memories. I never wanted to wake up to the harsh reality.

I wanted to stay there with her. I couldn't live without her. She was my everything.

I needed my next hit, even though I knew it was slowly killing me.

Killing me…

"_We need to go." I pointed out, nodding reluctantly towards Jake._

_We were preparing to go on what could very well be our last ever battle and Jake had given us an hour to say goodbye to our families. But for some reason, Rachel wanted to come and talk to me too, and she wouldn't give me a straight answer when I asked her why._

"_Tobias," she started, biting her lip as she ignored my statement. "what are you…planning to do if the war ends today? I mean, Jake thinks it will if all goes well, so…I was just wondering…"_

_I frowned slightly, tilting my head to the side; something was wrong. She was acting too worried, too cautious, as though there was something she couldn't tell me, and she was dancing around the edges of the subject. Knowing better than to ask again, I pondered on her question._

"_Well…there would be no reason for me not to, you know, become properly human again. And…" Here I paused, and I felt a slight blush warm my neck and my heart swell and halter my breathing. I was too much of a coward to tell her what I really dreamed to be in my future, but I tried. "And we can be…together. Just us. No war. We could just be together."_

_For a second, sudden pain flashed over her face and my eyes widened in alarm but then she blinked, and a soft smile appeared instead. "Yeah…together sounds nice." She whispered smiling, and my heart leapt._

_But then she turned away, and I was certain I saw a look of disgust crinkle her face. But not at me. _

_Disgust with herself._

"_Rachel." I took her chin gently, and turned her to face me again; her face was blank. "What's wrong?"_

"_Nothing."_

"_Something's wrong."_

_No answer._

"_Rachel, please."_

_She shook her head slowly and her face was so forcibly blank, it hurt to look at. What was she hiding that was hurting her so bad? It didn't make sense. Then, with no warning, Rachel grabbed my face and kissed me._

_I instantly relaxed and kissed her back, but something was different. She seemed desperate, trying to say everything in that one kiss before it was too late. It almost scared me. _

_It was amazingly passionate but horrifyingly terrified. _

_What was going on in Rachel's head? Why did everything seem to be screaming 'goodbye'? It was just another mission, right?_

_The kiss faded and Rachel wiped all my worry away in an instant, by whispering one simple sentence to me._

"_You," She murmured, sounding slightly embarrassed but determined. "are my everything. Don't forget that, OK?"_

_I couldn't talk. Couldn't think. I was suddenly so happy that the amazement choked me up. I still wasn't used to the…love we shared. I had never known love. Never until now. What was I worrying about? Everything would be alright. How could it not be? We suddenly had forever to be together. _

_We were so close that I could nuzzle my face against hers, trying to say things without words and just managing a whisper in response. _

"_I won't. Ever."_

I was full of such false hope and happiness right then. When I fell back to the present, I felt grief-stricken horror strike my heart and I fell all the way back down again.

My knees gave way and I crumpled in front of her grave, the rose floating from my grasp.

That all made sense now. She had known that she was going after Tom, and that she was going to die. She had been trying to say goodbye.

Rachel had known she was going to die and I had been too ignorant to be able to stop her.

_We both looked round to see Jake still standing there, rather pointedly looking the other way; strange thing was that he looked even more disgusted with himself than Rachel had. He looked like he had just killed someone. This made me frown again, but then I caught Rachel's glittering blue eyes. _

_We had to go._

"_Come on," Rachel laughed wildly, clasping my hand and walking towards Jake. "Let's do it!"_

Whispered promises, too suddenly broken. All that hope and happiness I had allowed myself to feel, turned to despair too quickly. Too much.

"You promised." I accused, tears falling like rainwater and shaking my words. My breath came out in heart-rending gasps. "You said…together…oh God, Rach, why did you have to die? I…I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just…"

I couldn't continue. It was insanity, talk to someone who was past feeling, but I couldn't help it. I _needed _her.

_Do you remember the way that you touched me before  
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored  
Your face saying promised whispered like prayers  
I don't need them  
Oh, I need the darkness  
The sweetness  
The sadness  
The weakness  
Oh, I need this…_

I glared through my tears at the small description of Rachel inscribed on her tombstone. It named no names and it didn't mention all the lives she had killed. Or all the lives she had gone out of her way to save. It talked of an amazing person, but it wasn't _Rachel_; it was like an echo. I decided to ignore it, and stared hard at her name and the few words under it that still didn't even stand up to her, but expressed it simpler.

Suddenly, I lurched forward and my head was resting against the cool stone. No words could express this…sadness…this pain I felt. It was like being tortured, being drug across a bed of knifes and pummeled in every direction. I wrapped my arms around myself, digging my nails into my skin; it felt as though a hole had been ripped out of me, tearing straight through my vital organs.

It hurt to breathe. It hurt to _live_.

Rachel had been the first person to ever truly _care _for me. The first person to worry about me. She was my first true friend in a world that I just wanted to fly away from. And over time, she actually put up with me; she actually seemed to enjoy my company and go out of her way to make sure I was OK.

She cared for me and I cared for her.

The bond only grew stronger until finally every fiber of my being seemed entwined with hers. And then…she died.

And it all died with her.

_Angel sweet love of my life  
Oh, I need this  
Well is it dark enough  
Can you see me  
Do you want me  
Can you reach me…_

I had seen some horrible things in this war, but nothing horrified me more than my last image of Rachel; seeing her limp and mauled, staring out of lifeless, crystallized eyes…I felt bile in my throat and chocked it back, tears burning a river down my face, dripping off my nose.

_I couldn't save her. All I could do was stare, horrified, through the screen as the morphed controller advanced. She had been so brave…she had fought to the end but, now she had demorphed to human; there was no way that she would live._

_My hopeful future shattered in a million unfixable pieces as the controller bear raised its huge claws._

_Rachel slowly turned her head, looking at the rest of us through the screen, drinking in her last moments. _

"_I love you…" Rachel's last words, dedicated to me. She was smiling. Death had finally come for her and she was smiling. For us. For me._

_I tried to answer, I really did. My mouth formed the words, again and again, but all that came out was a series of strangled gasps. _

I grabbed my head between my hands, trying to squeeze the horror out of it. No, no, _no!_ I didn't want to remember that…

"_I love you," I wanted to shout it at her, make sure she knew, but my voice wouldn't work. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…I…I love…you…" But my mouth and my throat still wouldn't co-operate. She couldn't hear me, she couldn't hear how much I needed her…_I_ couldn't even hear the words I was desperately mouthing._

_My attempts dissolved into silent-yet-hysterical gasps for air, as tears blurred out everything but Rachel. This couldn't be happening! Rachel couldn't…die…_

_And yet, suddenly, she did._

_She turned in time to stare hard at her foe, brave until the end, and then her eyes widened a millisecond before…b…before the creature's paws came down and claws met with soft flesh, ripping it in an instant. It killed her in a single blow. Her shockingly crimson blood splattered and her head hung limp at an unnatural angle._

_I could still see her eyes, cold and lifeless. The girl I loved was no longer there. I was alone._

_I broke down, broken and hysterical in grief._

_I was alive, yet I was dead. I was silent, yet I was screaming. I was everywhere, yet I was nowhere._

_I was lost. An insignificant particle of dust, floating in space._

Tobias…I know it may not mean much but…I am very… _I shook my head violently; covering my face and blocking out Ax's privet thought speak of pity. I didn't want to hear it! All I wanted was…_

_I looked up again, to find the screen flickering and dimming. No! I wanted to shout. No, don't go! Don't…leave me…_

_The screen dimmed then finally died, and to the rest of the world, Rachel's body disappeared from view; but…I could still see her. My Rachel, mangled and torn, the image burnt forever in my mind…_

I wanted to _hate _someone. For what had happened to her.

I wanted to have that solid thing to feel so strongly about something that it would sooth unbearable lost feeling that swirled inside my head, always aching after my loss.

Jake! He had sent Rachel knowingly to her death, watched our goodbye yet still let her walk into her own deathbed. He was one the one who had sent her after her own cousin! His _brother._ What kind of arrogant, ruthless…?

But I still couldn't hate him. I felt angry at him, sure. I wanted to punch him in the face. But I couldn't bring myself to _hate _him; he had looked out for me and had held up throughout the war. He did what he had to do to save the rest of our race. He had won the war and come out with a burden as heavy as mine. I had watched him for a while yesterday, just waiting, just _daring_ him to lap up the hero status after what he had done, so I could have a reason to hate him and try and fill that emotionless hole that chewed away at me.

But he didn't. He didn't accept being a worldwide celebrity and he didn't shy away from it either. He didn't _do _anything. Didn't morph. Didn't laugh. Nothing.

He looked like me, if I wasn't too spineless to resume life as a human; empty. I didn't have heart to hate him. So I just left him, happy to never see him again and leave him with everything else, deep in the human part of my mind where I never wanted to go again.

I glared upwards, my head spinning, and the last beams of the sunset shone on me.

Rachel had watched a sunset with me once. She had confided in me how disturbed the bloodthirsty side of her made her when we entered a battle and I had comforted her. I had glared at a passing crow and she had laughed, kissing me on the lips.

I raised a slow hand but the ghost of her lips had already disappeared. The ghost of _Rachel _had disappeared. She'd left me. I felt weak, as though any sudden movement would smash me.

The grave-site suddenly made me feel sick to the core. I glared down at my human hands. What were flowers? What was a _rose_? Compared to what Rachel had done for me…for _everyone_. The world didn't make sense anymore. My mind felt useless and fuzzy, threatening to break after each repeated memory.

She…deserved life.

Oh God, more than anyone, she deserved life. Was that too much to ask? A few stay tears fell, landing with a slight splash at the foot of her grave.

I stood up, throwing the rose down roughly. Was I angry? I wasn't sure. I felt hollow.

"I'm pathetic." I decided, turning my back on the rose, preparing to morph and forget the world.

_Oh, I'm leaving  
You better shut your mouth  
And hold your breath  
And kiss me now  
And catch your death  
Oh, I mean this…_

I paused, then span back round, falling back to my knees. Suddenly shaking, I took the rose and placed it more carefully at the foot of her grave, so it stood up against the cool, white rock.

"Sorry Rach…" I muttered, blinking the remaining tears away and looking at her grave for the very last time through human eyes.

My Rachel. My everything.

_RIP Rachel __Berenson. 1985-2001 _

_A friend, an Animorph. _

_A hero._

I began morphing and took to the skies, leaving my everything behind me.

.X.

_Tobias never had anyone. No one before Rachel. No mother, really, no father he could ever know. Rachel was the first and only person who ever loved Tobias… _~ Cassie


End file.
